The Crazies Among Us

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Oh my gosh you guys, PEOPLE.BE.CRAZY.

Even though I really, seriously, already knew that people were crazy (I do read the comment sections on most articles), two encounters that happened to me recently IRL (in real life, for those that aren’t “in the know” about cool lingo) have really hit this point home.  In order to counteract the craziness that I am about to tell you about, I will add cute pictures of FVB throughout the post.  Here’s the first one:

FVB's new favorite activity, upon waking up, is immediately rolling over and crawling as fast as he can to the side of the crib, then pulling himself up.  Luckily we have a video monitor!
FVB’s new favorite activity, upon waking up, is immediately rolling over and crawling as fast as he can to the side of the crib, then pulling himself up. Luckily we have a video monitor!

ENCOUNTER #1: I’m in line at the dollar store the other day, and there is an older woman in front of me. She of course is very interested in FVB (who isn’t?) and starts asking me all the usual questions: what’s his name? How old is he? Was he delivered vaginally? Wait, what?

Backing up…… she was commenting on the size of his head (which is large).  I told her that he’s in the 77 percentile for head size and she sort of grimaced, then whispered her question containing the word vaginally.  I mean, what would you do?  Answer?  Not answer?  Laugh in shock?  I think that I did a combo of laughing in shock and answering, plus also making the obvious statement that his head wasn’t its current size when he was born.  Now if that wasn’t awkward enough, she then proceeds to tell me that her daughter-in-law recently had a baby but the baby was born “the other way.”  She said this in sort of a conspiratorial tone (I had to look up how to spell that word, BTW), with her hand over one side of her mouth, in a bit of a whisper.  Hmmmm.  The other way?  Like, the baby came out of her mouth?  Or the baby was born via C-section?  (C-section seems much more likely).  I sort of smiled, not sure what to say next and hoping she would finish checking out, while she continued on by giving me the baby’s stats.  Somehow it came back around to the baby’s birth and the strange “other way” comment that she made.  Apparently the baby was “flipped,” which I took to mean breach, i.e. feet first.  Now why would she not just say breach????  And why is it a secret???  Thankfully at this point her items were bagged and even the cashier was giving her a strange look, so off she went.

Wait.....I came out of my mom's WHAT?!?
Wait…..I came out of my mom’s WHAT?!?

ENCOUNTER #2:  I’m on the light rail with hubs and FVB, heading home after a fun afternoon downtown.  FVB is nursing (weird) and pretty much asleep.  On the light rail, much like regular trains, there are bench seats that face each other, so that when you ride you can face either way, like a booth in a restaurant.  I am facing the door of the train car and hubs is sitting opposite me.  The door opens, and a family boards (mom, dad, two kids).  The mom looks at me and basically panics, quickly hustling her kids to ensure that they sit facing the same direction as me, which is opposite of how they want to sit. She is literally pushing them into the seats and hissing at them to turn around (away from me). Her husband, pretty oblivious, is trying to understand what the big deal is and I hear she say (in the same hiss whisper): “She’s nursing” in the same tone that you would say “She’s smoking crack” or “She’s decapitating those kittens.” The kids, naturally now EXTREMELY curious, keep trying to turn around and want to know (legitimately) why they can’t. She, of course, can’t tell them, so she just hiss whispers, “I’ll tell you later.”

FVB loves digging in the dirt.  Here he is, digging in our garden boxes.  I will admit, he ended up with a few (small) splinters in his arms.  But they have since disappeared, so all is well.  Judge me if you must.  My kid loves dirt!
FVB loves digging in the dirt. Here he is, digging in our garden boxes. I will admit, he ended up with a few (small) splinters in his arms. But they have since disappeared, so all is well. Judge me if you must. My kid loves dirt!

Now, let’s be serious for a second.  When a woman is nursing a baby, there really isn’t much to see besides the back of the baby’s head and the upper half of the woman’s chest.  You see more when a woman is wearing a low-cut top.  Unless you are close to the woman, concentrating your gaze directly on her breast,  and happen to be watching at the very moment that the baby is either latching or de-latching, you have a pretty low chance of seeing a nipple.  Which I’m assuming is the offensive part, because in bathing suits, low cut tops, etc, you see almost every other part of the breast and apparently no one is offended by that.  So it must be the nipple. Anyway, I won’t go on a tangent about the stupidity of people who are offended by breast feeing in public.  It’s too stupid.  I will say, though, that people are seriously messing up their kids if this is how they teach them to react to a woman nursing her baby in public.  I had to SERIOUSLY bite my tongue to keep from just explaining to the kids what I was doing (in one sentence, very naturally, “I’m feeding my baby”).  It’s not a hard concept, it’s natural, and IT’S WHAT BREASTS ARE MADE FOR.  OK, sorry, I wasn’t going to go on a tangent.

I drink BREASTmilk.  It's from BREASTS.  Deal with it.  Oh, but here I am putting a cherry tomato in my mouth, just for fun.  I'll spit it out in a second.
I drink BREASTmilk. It’s from BREASTS. Deal with it. Oh, but here I am putting a cherry tomato in my mouth, just for fun. I’ll spit it out in a second.

I think all of those pictures did the trick.  Just inserting them into the post made me smile and NOT get re-worked up over the crazies in the world.  I hope you enjoyed them, too!

So much yummy food to discuss, but not enough time!  I made vegan “moxerella” for our pizza last week and IT WAS INCREDIBLE and super easy. I will tell you about it next time.  I’m using it for grilled cheese tonight to go with our vegetable soup, so next post I can show you the pizza AND the grilled cheese and you can be doubly impressed. Until then, stay safe out there- I know the crazies aren’t just in Denver!

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4 comments

  1. tmm

    Well, I must say that I am happy you are aware of this particular phenomenon in humans – i.e. the crazy potential. I try to be sophisticated and professional in my references (made quite often) and use the more politically correct term “mentally ill”. I receive a lot of frowns from family members when this happens, as apparently they don’t quite believe in the accuracy of this assessment. Hey, thanx for supporting me w/ your two examples, which seemed to represent opposite ends of the spectrum: 1) NOT appropriate to talk to a total stranger in ALL FOR A DOLLAR about her vagina (or actually ANY store or ANYone’s hooha for that matter 2) NOT appropriate to have a panic attack at the prospect of your children seeing a woman feeding her baby! Hope these two ladies never meet. . .
    . . . and, of course, pictures of FVB made my heart soar unto the heavens! I particularly like the one where he learns that he did, indeed, emerge into this world via your genital area. Hey, I say give ’em the information young and it will minimize the horrification factor as they grow into it. . .

    Reply

  2. Dad

    I believe it was Jerry Seinfeld who observed that everybody’s got ’em…..

    JERRY: What? So what? It’s a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What’s the big deal? See everybody’s got them. See I got them.

    KRAMER: I got them too.

    JERRY: Everybody’s got them.

    Reply

  3. Auntie Cindy

    Bernie, you are hilarious! You really should be a writer!!! I couldn’t agree with you more!! Women are splashed all over every magazine, television and everything else with their breasts hanging out for the world to see and nobody blinks an eye. But God forbid you might get a flash of a nipple, and the world might possibly come to an end!!!! Keep on writing about your experiences, it’s great entertainment!!!

    Reply

  4. Uncle Mark

    Boobs make men stupid!!!!

    Reply

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