In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s a bit of sarcasm/humor for you, just to balance out all the sappy junk that is so prevalent on Hallmark holidays.
I am subscribed to this newsletter type thing on Babycenter.com, which sends updates every month telling you what your baby should be doing at each developmental stage. With FVB I read these religiously. With HVB I barely skim them. This month, the newsletter had ever so helpfully shared a “sample schedule” for a stay at home breastfeeding mom with a 4 month old and toddler. I couldn’t resist just checking it out to see how other people were doing things. Big mistake. Just in case you don’t already feel like you are doing things all wrong, this schedule will help you feel like the most disorganized and frazzled mom on the planet, and leave you wondering why your baby doesn’t sleep. So, I edited it to reflect my reality to share with you! Original post can be viewed here. Article text is written in italics, my text is not.
*Disclaimer: I love my babies. I love staying home with them, I love sleeping with them, and I love attachment parenting. This is just a way for me to inject a little bit of humor into it because even though I love it, it’s also hard and exhausting, and humor helps.
7 a.m.: Wake up, nurse, get dressed. Amaya plays with Mom while her older brother watches Sesame Street.
I’m sorry, get dressed?!? It’s 7am!! Have some damn coffee. 7am found me half asleep in the rocker with the baby because he woke up at 5am. He was awakened around 7am by a crying FVB who had accidentally picked off the scab under his nose because he thought it was a dried booger. OK, everyone’s up! And we aren’t getting dressed. And I certainly am not cashing in my screen time card this early. I save that precious time until I am desperate!
I imagine in this fantasy world sweet baby Amaya is placed peacefully in her crib, drowsy but awake, and she dozes off on her own. In my reality, first baby nurses for 30 minutes. Then, baby falls asleep in moby wrap after fighting it for at least 15 minutes. Sleeps for 25 minutes before realizing that he’s actually hungry. Wakes ups and nurses/sleeps for 45 minutes.
10 a.m.: Wake from nap, nurse, and we leave for some activity.
OK, sounds reasonable. Better get dressed first. And get the kids dressed. Wait, FVB needs a snack. Did I brush my teeth yet? Oh well, we are already half way to the car.
12 p.m.: Come home. Amaya has tummy time while her brother eats lunch.
Perfect baby Amaya just loves her tummy time! She happily chills out on her tummy for ONE HOUR?!? Doubt it. In reality, we get home from said activity, everyone is hungry and it’s a mad dash to get food into everyone before melt downs occur (myself included). HVB does tummy time for 1-3 minutes and then cries.
1 p.m.: Get her brother ready for nap, read lots of stories.
What is a nap?
1:30 p.m.: Amaya nurses, then naps.
4 p.m.: Everyone is up, although Amaya typically wakes up earlier. She nurses and we either go to the gym or to the playground.
Cool! Sounds a lot like my afternoon. Two kids sleeping for 2.5 hours. Oh wait, reality check. Take kids upstairs after lunch for “quiet time.” Attempt to nurse HVB in the bed so as to have better luck getting him to sleep and stay asleep alone. FVB watches a show on the iPad. HVB nurses for 10 minutes and then is ready to play and obviously NOT tired. FVB melts down over episode ending. HVB cries because FVB is crying.
Everyone downstairs to attempt outside play. Watch FVB struggle for several minutes to put his own shoes on while HVB cries in the wrap and rubs his eyes because he is obviously tired. Finally get outside, attempt to get HVB to sleep in the wrap while watching FVB get his hand stuck in the outdoor water feature. Rescue FVB. Nurse HVB because obviously he’s hungry but NOT tired. FVB needs help climbing into hammock immediately upon HVB beginning to nurse.
Attempt to fill afternoon with a variety of activities to keep FVB engaged while also nursing and/or wearing HVB, who nurses approximately 7 times during this 2.5 hour period. And maybe sleeps for 30-60 minutes. While nursing. Or being held/worn.
Also attempt to start something for dinner.
6 p.m.: Daddy comes home. He plays with our son or Amaya so each child has some one-on-one time with a parent.
OK, I win the prize here because hubs works from home and is done with work before 6. And we often see him throughout the afternoon. He gets plenty of one on one time with both boys!
HVB generally naps at some point in the late afternoon. Also, we always enjoy happy hour sometime between 4-6. Alcohol is as necessary as coffee.
6:30 p.m.: Family dinner. (I do most of the prep work during nap time, so it’s easy to make.)
Family dinner. (I scramble to get things together when hubs is done working).
7 p.m.: Bath time, stories, bed. Amaya nurses.
Hubs takes on bath time with FVB while I get HVB ready for bed. Nurse HVB to sleep while also reading to FVB. Hope that FVB will fall asleep while listening to stories. Sneak out of bed once both boys are sleeping for 1-2 glorious child free hours with hubs.
She still wakes up somewhere between 2 and 4 a.m. to nurse. Also, if she takes a short afternoon nap, she may close her eyes for an hour sometime in the late afternoon.
Aw, sweet baby Amaya sleeps from 7PM until 2AM. Her mommy is really living the dream. HVB on the other hand still wakes up regularly throughout the night to nurse and/or flail and kick and expel gas (loudly). His sleep patterns during the day have no impact on his night sleep patterns. I sometimes get 4-5 hours of solid sleep but mostly not. At some point in the night FVB joins us and I am stuck sleeping in a 4 inch space between the two of them.
Happy Mother’s Day!